Wreckage….

There is a level of utter emotional depletion that you don’t even know exists until you arrive at it’s stop on the tracks. It is so exhausting that it takes every ounce of energy you have to move. You experience it through loss. You experience it through trauma. You experience it because there is no one who has ever taken a breath of life that is safe from pain.

Mine accompanied me into the courthouse this morning to finalize my divorce.

The last step. The final detail to wrap up a life that was whole and complete. We will move along the path just as we are. Two people in love with their children and dedicated to creating a beautiful life for them that includes support, guidance, gratuitous and generous amounts of love, and above all, two parents who show them every single day that it is possible to navigate this path honorably for their benefit.

But today isn’t about that. Today is about the funeral of 20 years. The letting go in an effort to start again.

Because when you are in a place of utter emotional depletion, you have two choices. Settle into that place and marinate in it. Or acknowledge it, do the work, and start again. I will allow myself to marinate for the next 2 hours. I’m in sweats. My face is soaked with tears and my heart is beating with nothing but extraordinary pain. But only for this time. Because in 2 hours, it’s time to be their mom. Homework and dinner and love and light. They don’t ever have to manage my pain, that’s not their job. That’s my job.

Writing. Crying. Being still and truly knowing that this day will never negate the past 20 years. Those are the things that I will do to manage my pain today.

It is only by going through that you are able to rise. And going through doesn’t mean rushing. It means slowly and methodically navigating every turn. Feeling every thing, and then putting that where it goes. It’s a process of organization if you will. And while I am the single most disorganized human being on the planet, I am working my ass off to organize this process.

Today I am divorced. And utterly depleted.

But I am also whole. I am confident in my wholeness. I am comfortable in my skin. I am strong because I am brave. I am here and I am capable. I am learning and I am failing. I am falling and I am rebuilding.

I will go through. I will heal. I will rise.